i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
