i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
