If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
