The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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