They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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