Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
