I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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