so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
