Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
