Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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