I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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