I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
