Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
