I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
someone owes me an orgasm
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
