Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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