OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
