At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
