I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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