Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
