Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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