even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize