he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
