i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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