I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
