she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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