i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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