Can i not drive my cunt home
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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