OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it hurts more in the daytime
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
