bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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