I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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