Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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