I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
FUCK WHALES
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
