last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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