Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
