i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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