Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize