She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
