sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
