she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
