If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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