there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
