Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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