i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
