I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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