i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
