i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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