This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
