No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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