what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
