why didn't you poke me back
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
