Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
