So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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