I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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