On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
