I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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