Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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