ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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